Facing a rising chorus of allegations of law-breaking and even treason, Donald Trump Jr. will announce today that he is resigning his position as the president’s son.
In a draft of a letter to be released “imminently or soon, whichever comes first,” Trump wrote:
When Americans elected Dad as their president and the Trumps as their government (with the largest majority in American history if not more), they entrusted all of us—Eric, Ivanka, Tiffany, Barron, Melania, Jared, me, maybe two or three of those Russian girls (I’ve never been entirely sure)—with putting them, Americans, first (or at least, right behind us). That’s what we’ve all tried to do—Jared in the Middle East and Arabia and Israel, Ivanka in the parts of factories and coal mines set aside for the “paid leave workers” (the parts with slower assembly lines or in the mines, not down so deep), and me with Russia—with our friends in Russia, the businessmen (wow, what a bunch of dealmakers! and talk about ready cash!), the government, the beauty pageant contestants and some pretty tough hombres.
It’s now clear that while most of my Russian contacts were great and committed to making America great again, some maybe weren’t. As I understand the Constitution, the duties of the president’s son can’t be prescribed (stop saying “proscribed,” I know what I’m doing) by the courts, or limited, and those sons can’t face any kind punishment (right, Dad?), particularly when we’re transparent, but I don’t want to be a problem for the family, or be impeached and have Congress force me to give up my position as Son, so rather than give them the satisfaction, I’m resigning my position as Son.
I will keep the name “Donald Trump Jr.” unless that turns out to be too confusing, and apply to join the Mercer family, which has helped us all so much and can afford me.
The Prospect has learned that President Trump is planning to replace Donald Jr. with either Tucker Carlson or Hugh Hewitt; adoption papers for each have been drawn up by the White House counsel.